Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in