[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭