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me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
