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My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
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Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single