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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.