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can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.