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Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
what my late-night hot pocket sees
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!