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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
You had me at “define legal”.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
