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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.