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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
We know he can swim but…
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
