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Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know