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I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
checking out some reviews of my local library
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
This 4th of July, please remember…
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles