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The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…