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I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
honestly, i need both:
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I’d hang this in my house.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son