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Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.