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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
LMAO.
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[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?