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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?