You Might Also Like
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Can confirm.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.