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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
yea so i messed up lol
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.