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*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
normalize having existential bread
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls