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We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!