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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
What kind of a cult is this?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future