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“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.