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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.