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My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I’m awake but I object,
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.