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Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.