62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
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How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth