Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

subtitles are so good nowadays

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.