Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
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Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.
Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear
Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..
Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!
om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!
When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by…
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*buying a dog*
Is this a good dog?
“Oh yeah, very good dog.”
Do any tricks?
“No, I’m clean, selling dogs now.”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change