@SteveKoehler22

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

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@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@AdderallMomma

Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

@Ochie2S

[Magician Convention]

Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear

Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..

Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!

om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!

@Amrrwise

Dear spouse:

When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by…

@TheAlexNevil

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

@BatmanOffDuty

*buying a dog*

Is this a good dog?

“Oh yeah, very good dog.”

Do any tricks?

“No, I’m clean, selling dogs now.”

@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

@DothTheDoth

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

@BlindChow

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change