62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

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Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.


Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.


[Magician Convention]

Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear

Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..

Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!

om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!


Dear spouse:

When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by…


My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.


*buying a dog*

Is this a good dog?

“Oh yeah, very good dog.”

Do any tricks?

“No, I’m clean, selling dogs now.”


“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*


No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.


me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change