62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
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No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.