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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
as is their right
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Inside you there are two wolves
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.