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Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck