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parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
