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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
