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Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society