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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.