[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
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If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I have no passwords left in me
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Important
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more