Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.