Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change