Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

🤯🤯🤯

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.