6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
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ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils