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[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
grandpa was shocked
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
