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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.