You Might Also Like
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
john wicks are toilet candles
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair