You Might Also Like
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.