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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.