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Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.