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i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
Oh my god
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.