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I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.