You Might Also Like
Proctologist = Analyst
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
My daily affirmation
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.