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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.