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Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.