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[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
my retirement plan is braless
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?