You Might Also Like
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?