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Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?