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No flush
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…