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MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume