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Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
finally found a reasonable question
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Nice try, poison.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors