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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Well. That’s not a good sign.
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
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Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early