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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Every work call, he judges.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.