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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
We made a comic about a space heater.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead