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I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me: