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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I found your tweet-up…
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.