You Might Also Like
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Webb. James Webb.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?