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roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Pringles
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.