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Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
We know he can swim but…
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.