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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
i want it utterly assaulted.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?