6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click