Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey