Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between