*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
You Might Also Like
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
For anyone who needs this today
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Favourite diary entry ever
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .